I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
