glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
