I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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