I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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