I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Randomize
