i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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