I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
