don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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