Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Two words: blizzard sex
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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