I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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