Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
