True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize