Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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