my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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