i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
