Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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