My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
