What a fucking waste of an outfit
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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