Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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