fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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