Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Randomize
