I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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