I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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