the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
