We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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