I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
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