i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Less talking, more tequila
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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