Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Randomize
