Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
