I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Holy shit dude........stairs
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