Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize