my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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