I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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