why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
You made out with two different species that night
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
