im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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