Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
