So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
