i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
