Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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