I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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