I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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