He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
