I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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