you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
