I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
