there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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