I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
