Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
