First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
