Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
