he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
