I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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