She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Randomize
