I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
