If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
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