just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
