Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
