I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
