Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
