we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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