so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He shit in the fireplace
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
